Tag: Burnout

My Journey into Teaching — A Late Introduction (PT. 3) || How It Started, How It’s Going

After a month, I knew I hated it. This career I had all hopes of retiring in. This career I had chosen above all others. I despised it. It frustrated me beyond reason. I felt empty and confused. I hated it.

Here are my main reasons:

1. It is way too much work — A teaching job is a hamster wheel in the truest sense.

2. Lots of unpaid labour — People always say, “They don’t pay me enough to do this.” They really don’t. If I were to calculate my hourly rate based on the number of hours I spend in the classroom per month, I make JMD$2,233.74 or USD$15.35 per hour which is not a bad wage. At least, it’s not a bad wage until you account for all the hours I’m not paid for (which is the majority). Time spent in the classroom is the least of my problems. Time spent planning lessons, planning and creating assignments, participating in meetings, liaising with parents and students — wholesale and one-on-one and grading at least 1,000 pieces of students’ work per term (not including exams) among other things! And because they only pay you for your timetabled contact hours, the hidden hours of unpaid labour can be as exorbitant as they want. They can make any demands of us in those unpaid non-contact hours because no one can really quantify them and they look different for each teacher. If I were to include those tasks in calculating my hourly rate, I would make about USD$7.21 per hour — a few cents below federal minimum wage in the United States. Seven dollars per hour to mould the minds of our nation’s future leaders. A sad state of affairs!

3. Not as rewarding as I thought it would be — By the end of the first month, besides experiencing the full force of the poor monetary compensation and the unrelenting day-to-day strain of being a teacher, I felt like I was just a linesman working the conveyor belt that is education. The whole system seemed pointless and irrelevant. Students were stressed and I felt like I was just a part of the problem. I didn’t feel like I was helping anyone or making anyone’s life better, like I thought I would, like they said I would. In fact, there were some days I felt that I was making students’ lives worse just by doing the job I was being paid to do. I know that may be hard for many to understand and maybe, in the grand scheme of things, that is next to impossible but those were my genuine feelings.

4. A lot of decisions from administration and local and regional bodies that just didn’t play out well on the ground — I’m sure this is true of anyone working in any organization. The “bigger heads” make decisions with nary a clue or a care about how these big decisions affect the day-to-day of the small man and the client. But when you’re working with children and when you can see how disadvantaged they are and how worn out you and your colleagues are, as the people to whose care they have been entrusted, it takes a different toll.

5. Teaching is boring and exhausting — You teach the same things, day in and day out. You bring the energy and you hope they reciprocate and I’ve been fortunate and strategic enough that my students generally do. It can really deplete your deepest energies. Sometimes, teaching the same things over and over can provide a sense of stability and make my work easier, for sure. But there’s no challenge. And there isn’t even much room to play around and teach what you actually want to teach and what they actually want to learn. Teaching the prescribed syllabus can suck all your time and energy. As a profession, there is also generally little to no room for growth and promotion is not the same thing as growth.

These are my main reasons. I won’t get started on the special brand of “mom guilt” you experience as an invested teacher, feeling that you are spread so think that you don’t even ever have enough to give these many little people who look up to you, those situations where you feel like you get all the blame and none of the credit for students’ performance, the fact that, as is true in most service industries, everybody wants something from you all the time and it can lead to profound burnout, the baskets we get to carry water, the immense pressure of having “the future of the world” in your hands, the late nights, the time it takes away from your own family, the disappointment of helping students to improve their lives while seeing little improvement in your own, the pressure of being accountable to everyone and their mother — I could go on for weeks.

Of course, I can’t say it has been all bad. I have been blessed with some talented, supportive and brilliant coworkers. I have some amazing students, some of who became dear friends. (I told many of my students I was getting married before I even told my coworkers.) Because of the nature of my subject, I get to engage young minds in some amazing conversations. I have job security and steady pay, which can be a double-edged sword. I have a relatively flexible work schedule because of the school I work at. I get a little paid vacation. (People think it’s a lot but take a look at my article, “The Myth of Holidays for Teachers” to read the truth.) I have a decent measure of autonomy and freedom. And as you can see, from reading this blog, I’ve experienced a lot of self-discovery and learned a lot about people and the world. I am grateful. I really am.

Do I regret the decisions that have led me here? That’s a complicated question.

Am I looking for new career opportunities? Most definitely!

Do I still love to teach? Yes. I always say I love to teach but I hate being a teacher. (Confusing, I know, but you kinda get it, right? Yeah? Yeah)

Will I ever get to the point where education plays no part in my life? I doubt it.

Where do I go from here? No clue. I’m playing it by ear, trying to cultivate contentment, trying to double down and put in the work towards my goals.

When I get to the flip side, I’ll let you know.

Overachievement and the Price We Pay Pt. 2 || Adult Achievement

I was thinking about fitness and trying to figure out why I am not exercising as much as I know I should. I thought, “When would I find the time?” And then I started to spiral into the shame and self-loathing of “never enough” pelting my mind with platitudes like “you have to make the time” and “the only person stopping you is you.” UGH!

Because I had just been watching Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato talk about body image issues, I cut off my negative self-talk about my body and I realized that even if I were going to start exercising now, I would not be doing it for the right reasons. I would be trying to achieve that perfect body and, as Swift said in one of her interviews, “There will always be some standard of beauty that you are not meeting.”

Anyway, springing from that, I’ve started thinking about achievement and overachieving in all spheres of life, how this ideal is thrust upon young people, especially students, and how it is damaging to us.

It is alluring to think we can do it all especially because social media makes it seem like there are people out there who have the same circumstances as you, the same 24-hours as you and they really do seem to be having it all and doing it all.

But I always try to remember that there is something missing in their life, there is something they are sacrificing, there is something that is suffering, there is something that you’re doing that is valuable to you that this person is not doing because they “have it all” and that same person you are looking at and loathing yourself is looking at someone else and doing the same thing. So when does it end? And why did it start in the first place?

Let’s get this straight! Having it all is not possible! It seems possible when you’re spiralling through it in your own brain and all that rhetoric that you’ve seen and heard are swirling through your mind.

But let’s really break it down and look at it objectively:

They say, “If you’re gonna get the exercise you need, you need to wake up at 5am and just get it in.”

They say, “You can’t get caught in the trap of eating out all the time. You have to prepare your meals at home. It might seem like you don’t have the time but if you just get up at 5am and pack that lunch bag, it will reap so many benefits.”

They say, “If you’re going to really start your business or write your book, the time is not going to just fall in your lap. You have to make the time. You have to wake up at 5am and just put in the work.”

They say, “If you’re going to start a family and have children, you’re barely going to get any sleep. Even if you do get some rest, you’ll be up again by 5am.”

I ask, “How many things am I supposed to be getting up at 5am to do?” Is there some magical 5am someone isn’t telling me about because my 5am turns to 6am in under 5 minutes?

They say, “Going for a second or third degree becomes harder the older you get. You need to start now.”

They say, “Finding the love of your gets harder as you get older because the pool of eligible singles gets smaller and the older people get, the more they’re set in their ways. If you’re going to try to get married, you need to start now.”

They say, “Having children gets a lot harder the older you get and there’s a high risk that your child will have defects the longer you wait. If you’re going to start a family, you need to start now.”

They say, “Working out and keeping that fit body gets harder the older you get. You need to start now.”

They say, “The money you save on eating out and recreation could go towards buying a house. Your mortgage payments are significantly reduced the younger you are at the time of purchase. You need to buy a house now.”

You need to read as many books as you can now. Watch videos. Listen to podcasts. Attend webinars and networking events. Take in as much knowledge as you can now. Grow your network. Build up your skills now. Take short courses now. Write that book now. Work on yourself now. Start multiple income streams now. Enjoy your life now, You need to start now. Start now. Start now. Start now. Now. Now.

How many things am I supposed to start NOW?

I’m content that I am not exercising the way I should right now. I’m not reading as many books as I would like to read now. No, I’m not promoting laziness or poor health or self-limitation or procrastinating. I’m promoting reasonableness and balance and rest and self-determination. You don’t have to do all the things they say you have to do and you certainly don’t have to do them right now. It’s not even possible and it’s counterproductive and propelling a growing mental illness and burnout epidemic.

Right now, I am working on writing more, mostly because I’m a writer and I need to write and secondly, because I’m building a career in writing. I’m also reading more this year than I have in any years prior, mostly because it’s relaxing and fulfilling and secondly, because I need to read more to build my skills as a writer. I eat mostly plant-based, mostly home-cooked meals that I make myself and that takes a lot of work. I generally go outside once a day to water my 30+ plants with my husband and I get a little movement and fresh air in there. I work over 40 hours a week as a full-time teacher. I generally save about 15% of my income each month and I don’t have a habit of overspending. I spend a lot of time building my friendship with my husband and trying to keep in touch with the family and friends that matter to me. I take my faith and my spirituality very seriously and I spend several hours a week working on that aspect of my life. I get a relatively good amount of sleep.

I do a lot but until I just wrote all those things down, I didn’t realize how much I was doing or how well I was doing. If I let my mind run wild, I spend most of my time being discouraged about everything I’m not doing and how I’m not doing the best at leveraging the time and money and resources I have. I should be changing out my wardrobe month by month to make it more professional (but to do that, I’d have to save less or stop saving altogether.) I don’t drink enough water. I’m not getting an ideal or consistent amount sleep. I need to exercise more (but, to do that, I’d have to get less sleep.) I need to read more (but, to do that, I’d have to get less sleep or cut into the time I spend with my husband.) My house isn’t clean enough. I’m paying for cable every month but I’m barely watching TV. I’m not practising enough self-care, getting enough recreation and me-time. My skin is a mess. Why don’t I go see the dermatologist? When was the last time you did your nails or shaped your eyebrows? You look disgusting. Are you spending enough time with your family? You don’t call them enough. You don’t text your friends enough. What kind of friend are you? You’re not present enough on social media. You spend way too much time on your phone.

All of those thoughts make regular train rides in my head.

If you’re like me, you’re likely doing a lot but still feeling like it’s not enough, like you’re not enough. One day when you’re spiralling, make some time to do what I just did. Make a list of all the things you are doing. No matter how small they may seem, don’t self-edit, just write them down. Write all of it. You might be surprised that the problem is not that you’re lazy or unproductive or unambitious. It might be that the bar set for you was made for a giraffe, when you’re a cheetah. And if you speak openly with some other people about how you’re feeling you may also find that, while they’re criticising you, the cheetah, for not jumping high enough to reach the bar, they’re also criticising the giraffe for not getting there fast enough.

Re-educate your mind. Set your own bar. Run your own race. “Overachieving” is for losers.

The Importance of Guidance Counsellors

Reading not your thing? Listen to the article here: https://youtu.be/PYUzc3sLHCw

Anna, a 15-year-old girl is raped by someone in her home. However, she spends countless hours of her school day running away from the one person who would be most qualified to help her, the guidance counsellor. 

“I don’t want to see her, Miss,” she says to me, almost in tears. “I don’t want her to find me. Hide me, please!”

Why this frantic desperate plea?

Anna is not her real name but this story is absolute truth. Anna spent an entire year in hiding. She had revealed her situation to the guidance counsellor who, as duty demanded, immediately reported the incident. However, after baring her truth to the counsellor, Anna found her to be no comfort and felt more vulnerable than before. Furthermore, Anna did not wish to testify against her rapist in court and the counsellor hounded her day by day trying to convince her to appear for the trial, threatening that if she didn’t, the police would come and take her to trial bodily.

This case broke my heart. While I decided not to fume until I got the other side of the story, especially because the counsellor in question was my colleague whom I knew and respected, I could not help feeling a small tinge of visceral rage at the injustice of this student whom I cherished dearly firstly having the right to her body stripped away by wicked hands, secondly, being forced to relive and rehash this trauma in front of a room of strangers and thirdly, feeling caged and hunted in her own school, a place that should have felt like a haven, a home away from home.

I am sure the guidance counsellor was doing what she was duty-bound to do and what she thought was best but I questioned her methods. I mourned at the idea that a student would reject the help she so desperately needed to get a handle on her emotional turmoil because she did not find her helper, her counsellor to be genuine and approachable. And a new thought struck me. I had never noticed that students at my school, students whom I knew to have serious issues, rarely ever brought their burdens to the school counsellors. For whatever reason, I never even thought to recommend my students to the guidance counsellors.

“No one can be the perfect therapist for everyone but anyone can be the perfect therapist for someone.“

Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

While I never went to see a school guidance counsellor in my time, I did see a psychologist when I was in high school. I had a teacher who put me on to a therapist when I was 18 and I desperately needed one, even though I didn’t know it. I hit it off immediately with my therapist. Even now, she is so beloved to me and I to her. However, I know that there are people who have to endure a lot of searching, a lot of trial and error before they find that perfect fit. One of my students, whom we will call Naila, had to be hospitalised as a result of a physical and mental breakdown caused by a prolonged battle with an eating disorder. While in hospital, her attending physician insisted that she had to see a therapist who specialises in eating disorders, the only eating disorder specialist in the country, in fact. Though this woman came highly recommended and was no doubt very qualified, Naila HATED her and thought of endless malicious things to do to her. She did not find her genuine nor did she believe her method of counselling was doing her any good. Every session was like having her teeth pulled one by one. However, her doctor forced her to see this specialist and ordered her not to see the therapist she had been seeing before, one with whom she had a very warm productive relationship. As a result, Naila had to endure these pointless painful sessions where she was not getting the help she needed.

Maya Angelou said, “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” So there are psychologists out there who know their stuff and are extremely qualified but a client can’t really engage with them unless they make them feel cared for in the way that they need to be cared for at the time. It’s the age-old Jamaican concept of “mi spirit jos tek yu.”  

Dr. Emily Nagoski, trained psychologist, author of the book Burnout and one of my personal favourite speakers, says that one of the first things she and her cohort learned when training to become counselling psychologists was this simple rule: No one can be the perfect therapist for everyone but anyone can be the perfect therapist for someone. She says she learned that most clients seeking therapy have to “shop around” visiting several therapists before they find the best fit and she says it was drilled into them very early on as psychology students not to be offended or dismayed if a client comes to you for one session and never comes back. It’s nothing personal. It doesn’t mean you’re not good at what you do. It’s all a part of the process.

That being said, think about this: in a population of roughly 1,500 students, all with different backgrounds and personalities, is it likely that all or even half of them will find that their spirit aligns with (“tek tu”) the one or two guidance counsellors there are in the entire school? And no matter how much they are going through, in the face of rape, domestic abuse, not having enough to eat or to travel to and from school, struggles with insecurity and bullying, stress, learning disorders, eating disorders and the host of other issues the modern teenager faces, they will not bare their fragile souls to someone with whom they do not have a connection, no matter how highly qualified the counsellor may be. Are we willing to have our young people carry the weight of all these woes by themselves simply because, as a people, we are afraid to take mental health seriously and to invest the resources that demonstrate that we take it seriously?

Good guidance counsellors are becoming more important than Deans of Discipline

The palpable shortage of approachable and highly qualified guidance counsellors is one of the reasons why the burden of counselling our nation’s young falls so squarely on the shoulders of our teachers. Teachers interact with students every day. They get to know them personally. And somewhere along the line, students often find a teacher who their spirit will just align with or “tek tu.” Some students have a first form teacher whom they still visit and share their problems with even in sixth form or college. They just have a connection. I have ended up being “that teacher” for many of my students. In fact, I have even ended up being “that teacher” for students I don’t even teach who just see me on campus and think that they would like to open themselves up to me. While I am extremely honoured and grateful that little people trust me so much with their hearts, sometimes I feel that I am not the best fit. I provide them with a listening ear, empathetic probing, a laugh and a warm hug (pre-COVID) and for some, that is all they need. For others though, I feel that I am only stopping a gap as these students need more time, resources and professional expertise than I am able to provide in dealing with their deep and torturous emotional pain.

So what’s the solution? As with the other myriad of problems that face our Jamaican education system, I don’t have all the answers. What I do know is this: in this age of insecurity and turmoil, of school shootings and terrorism, of children being kidnapped on the daily, of overexposure, of social media, of bullying and cyberbullying and revenge porn and all the chaos that faces our young people, good guidance counsellors are becoming more important than Deans of discipline or vice principals. We need to treat them as if they are the first line of defence in saving our children’s lives and so they have to be top-quality and it starts from the hiring process.

Here are the principles at the core of the issue:

  1. Hire a variety of guidance counsellors: Guidance counsellors need to be emotionally accessible to students; they need to be “kid-friendly.” Furthermore, there needs to be a variety of counsellors, not just 2 or 3, but counsellors of different sizes, shapes, genders, colours, personalities and backgrounds. This initiative may look different in different places. For example, in an American school where there are Latinos and Blacks, all the guidance counsellors can’t be upper-middle class White people. Students will be less likely to confide in a counsellor who does not look like them, talk like them or appear to understand their story. Similarly, in Jamaica, counsellors need to come from different backgrounds, have different personalities, dress differently, act differently, talk differently from each other so as to create a variegated pool from which students can choose a best fit.
  2. Two counsellors per school is simply insufficient: This might be ambitious in an age where schools don’t even have enough adequately qualified teachers but my suggestion is that there should be at least two guidance counsellors assigned to each grade level. This will minimize the counsellor to student ratio and will make it more likely that every student will find at least one counsellor whom they feel comfortable approaching with their issues.
  3. Free up counsellors to counsel: One counsellor colleague of mine explained to me that school counsellors are often so swamped with Ministry-mandated paperwork and classes to teach that they often have little time or energy to actually help students in the way that they would like.
  4. Ensure counsellors themselves receive adequate ongoing counselling: To see and hear devastating stories every day and bear the emotional burden of little people, to hold their secrets, to sometimes be powerless to do all that you want to do for them and to know that your own life is often in danger (at some schools) is a lot for one human — no matter how trained or qualified — to bear. Counsellors need counsellors too.

This initiative needs to be a joint effort between the Ministry of Health and the Ministry of Education. It would take a lot of work, time and resources but it would drastically improve our students’ functioning and overall well-being in school and in their future lives. School is a place where students should feel safe and loved and the way the school treats students’ mental health is an important ingredient in that process. While the value of mental health care is not yet fully appreciated in Jamaica, we’re getting there and we need to. Mental healthcare in schools is crucial in bringing up little people who will become fully functioning happy, healthy adults. Guidance counsellors are key partners in the big picture, in making a future for all of us that feels safe and whole and bright.

Photo credit: Counselor helping student draw her future. NPR. (https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2017/01/06/492874846/9-questions-for-the-nations-top-school-counselor)